Dear Instagram-Highlight-Reel “Fitness Coach”

Dear Instagram-Highlight-Reel “Fitness Coach”

I’m still mad. Yes, I am still mad over someone in direct sales who implied that women can get back to wearing pre-pregnancy clothes after six days if they just “follow the program” and drink a fucking shake. It doesn’t matter what the brand or company is (although I am sure you can figure it out on your own because you’ve probably received 5948 cold messages about getting on a fitness “journey” that only involves spending upwards of $100 per month) – what matters is that it is easily false advertising and this person should be ashamed of herself for implying that HER results are THE results people will get on a fucking “fitness journey” that she sells the tools for.

So, it’s her lucky day. I have something just for her.

Dear “Fitness Coach” who claims being “real and raw” but doesn’t even fucking get what that means:

You recently posted a photo of yourself on Instagram stories in your pre-pregnancy jeans. I have to hand it to you; you do look great. That isn’t the point. The point is that you’re falsely advertising your “results” as the TYPICAL results that women will get if they follow an over-priced “fitness plan” and drink over-priced “superfoods” and “check in” with you via a Facebook group for which people probably turned off notifications.

While I realize that your company claims to educate you on health and fitness so that you can go out and sell shit er, I mean go out and “educate” others on health and fitness, your company’s so-called “education” failed at this point. There is so much more that goes into pregnancy weight gain, and postpartum weight loss, than you realize (obviously).

I went ahead and did some research on what dictates the above, and maybe after reading, you can do a series of Instagram live videos about how eye-opening this is (after you do a series of Instagram live videos about how to apply foundation and makeup, another thing that “real and raw” new mothers barely fucking have time for as they shove a handful of Triscuts in their mouths because they haven’t eaten for ten hours #sorrynotsorry).

Factors That Influence Pregnancy Weight Gain & Postpartum Weight Loss

NURSING vs FORMULA FEEDING: Breastfeeding helps the body burn 300-500 calories per day. Burning calories clearly helps one lose weight. Some mothers, though, are not able to breastfeed or choose not to. If the body isn’t burning 300-500 calories per day, weight loss will likely be a slower undertaking because…who the hell has time to workout with a 4 day old baby at home (no thank you – I do not want to hear about life changing thirty minute workouts that involve me bench-pressing a newborn)?

GENETICS: See, here’s the thing: Some people are genetically predisposed to gaining more weight and having a harder time getting it off. It doesn’t matter how many shakes they drink, how many minutes per day they workout, or how many times they watch your live videos and ponder why they don’t look like you (shocker: false advertising doesn’t help people burn calories…who knew?!). Some people eat fast food for 9 months and barely gain. Others eat crackers and drink water for 9 months and gain a lot. Some people workout and gain a lot; others don’t work out and barely gain. Stop pretending that there’s a single solution for everyone out there because there probably isn’t.

LIFESTYLE: We get it, ok? We GET YOUR MESSAGE so you don’t need to repeat it for the sixth time today: You worked your ass off selling workout stuff so that you and your husband could be stay at home parents. That’s great; it’s also not the norm (please don’t school me on how this “could be anyone if they wanted it bad enough” because home girl really isn’t in the damn mood for that today). Look – if I had nothing to do other than make my hair look good, record YouTube videos a few times a week, and answer messages that further imply false hope for others, maybe I’d have more time to workout (but not so hard that my makeup runs, right? #datselfietho).

The reality here is that most households have at least one parent who works. The focus becomes the family and keeping children alive, not looking perfect while squatting. PS: Most parents with a new baby eat whatever they have on hand; they don’t have time to prepare hearts of palm with a delicate fucking low fat sauce that fits neatly into a colored container.


Look – I just want to make sure you understand that the message you are sending gives women false hope. If you’re comfortable doing that, cool – I’m comfortable unraveling your bullshit message that direct sales has come up with a solution for every woman to fit back into pre-pregnancy clothing in six days. Your mission is to SELL stuff. Stop saying you’re “so passionate” about helping other people find “health and financial freedom.” You’re passionate about buying more $1800 bassinets, teeth whitener, food-shaped pool floats so you can joke about how you still get donuts every day even if you’re not actually eating them, and lash extensions. Stop calling it “helping” women. If you want to help women, stop pretending everyone can have your results and start digging deeper.

When someone messages you with “I can’t wait to have your results after I have my baby,” you have a RESPONSIBILITY to tell her she likely won’t have the same results because everyone is different. Also, make sure she understands that fake lashes are not included in the results she probably won’t get.

I look forward to your response along with the professional photo you’ve taken to go along with it.



4 thoughts on “Dear Instagram-Highlight-Reel “Fitness Coach”

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